I’ve spent the last week in solitude. It’s been awhile since I’ve enjoyed the luxury of time and space alone. Though not entirely by choice…
As many of you know I’ve spent the last 2 years roaming across the globe and back, several times, prioritizing both partnership and parents. I took a year sabbatical from running my own business to follow my partner to Australia.
I never wanted kids…
My earliest recollection of knowing this was when I was ten years old. I wrote in my “School Days” memory book that I never wanted to get married or have kids. I wanted to be free. To do what I want when I want. After what felt like raising my 2 little brothers, I wanted a life without the responsibility of having to care for kids of my own. I even bet a couple of my best friends in high school fifty bucks each that I would never have kids. They have yet to pay up, (you know who you are). And here I am today, closer to 50 than 40, not married, yet holding space for another teenager who is emitting a message that she doesn’t want to be parented as much as I don’t want the responsibility of it.
The last 2 years have been more challenging, growth and lesson-filled than any course I could have signed up for. More learning than any certificate, training or self-awareness experiment could usher in. I chose to leave my 5 year cave of self-study to prioritize being in a relationship. The Universe has quite the sense of humor. Because although I have found the most amazing human to share this second half of life with, he came, part and parcel with 2 of the most challenging humans I have ever crossed paths with.
After retiring from 2 decades in corrections, “parenting” other people’s children, (teenagers to adults), I value the solitude, quiet, and safety of my Home. I have met all kinds of hurt people, who have hurt people. I’ve even come across a couple soulless creatures who embodied the meaning of sociopath. I went from living alone for 3 years to moving into homes with 2 more.
A week ago, Child & Family Services came to do a “Home Safety Check” after 2 months involving 7 calls to police. I initially sat calmly, open to whatever resources she might suggest to help us. Now, I should note that I have been judged my entire life, having women and men ask me, “What’s wrong with you? Why is a pretty thing like you not married with kids?” To then being told by a 20 something social worker, “You should have never told her you didn’t want kids. You basically told her you hate her.” I didn’t realize that by opening up and being vulnerable about my own childhood experience and sharing that in hopes of fostering understanding for why I chose not to have children, that I was saying I hated children?!? My intention was to open the door to relationship, without the threat of trying to replace parents. Still not sure how someone in this millennia gets off shaming a woman for choosing not to have children? Like somehow that is my only way to contribute to society. (I declined to participate in any future “support” visits).
The last 2 months have been particularity horrific; having my personal property destroyed, stolen and my home and life threatened on multiple occasions, including being told, “I don’t give a fuck. Because Jennifer, I will fucking end you. You better not leave the fucking knives out, because I will slit one of your fucking throats in the middle of the fucking night!” Apparently when the accused is 13, “it is not a police issue, it is a discipline in the home issue”.
I’m taking the long and winding road to make my point. To share what I’ve learned. This will hopefully be a testament to the power of self-regulation. Of self-responsibility, self-awareness and self-care. If I didn’t have the experience and skillset that I do, I would have lost my mind long before now.
I write to share my experiences, both to integrate the meaning of them for myself, as well as in hopes of connecting with others who have had similar ones. And perhaps even as contrast so people can just be grateful for their lives and their children. Because there are some real doozies out there!
Circling back to safety…I realized that I could not stay in our home if I didn’t feel safe.
Safety is the Secret.
When the nervous system detects threat, you get survival mode: Fight or Flight. Connection and relationship are near impossible when our bodies are telling us we aren’t safe. The same applies to adults as kids. And in my case, when I don’t feel safe, Dark Jen comes out. She overrides her fear with a strong defense of anger, control and intimidation. A dark sense of humor and biting sarcasm. She struggles to “stay above the line”. Try as I did to use my tools of self-regulation: breath practices, daily movement, time in nature and daily mindfulness and meditation, it just wasn’t enough. I’m not ashamed to admit that my body had enough. I had enough self-awareness to know that to get out of survival mode and back to connection, I had to leave my home. I had to find my way back to safety.
The magic has happened. After a week in a safe place, my nervous system is back in thrive mode. Connection mode. Able to sift through and integrate the experience to find understanding, compassion and meaning. I’ve run this whole experience through the lens of fear/survival vs safety/connection. And although I have all the understanding and compassion for why hurt people hurt people, I also know what my boundaries are and that what I need to be my best is safety.
Thankfully I thrive as a perpetual gypsy who has cultivated and valued friendship her whole life. I rely on my circle of sisters to hold space for me as I do these continual deep dives into the self-awareness that life school can bring. I am grateful for everyone of you who reached out, who also prioritize connection and lifelong friendship. You women are my strength. Thank you for being emotionally safe. For holding space for me to show you my dirt without judgement. To never shy away from the uncomfortable, the real. There’s no greater beauty than humans who are there for each other in pain. Without trying to fix or save. Just to be a sounding board, or a mirror for where I need to work on myself. We learn and live better in community. In connection. Thank you
So as I move forward looking to find my own home for the foreseeable future, my intention is to start working with clients again. Whether it’s massage, somatic movement, nervous system regulation, pain resolution, lash extensions or a haircut…I’ll be opening my doors soon to a new home office in November. Let’s connect. By zoom, by phone or in person.
Mind Body Whole Wellness 